Recently there was a Groupon deal for an at home bleaching kit that promised to whiten your teeth 1-5 shades. It was 70% off the regular price, how could I refuse?!?!?!? So I bought one for me and one for Chris. I eagerly waited for the package and was stoked to have a really white new smile. Oh, how I was punished for my vanity. Finally the package came, and as soon as the kids were in bed I tore that sucker open. Looking at the contents and reading the directions made me quickly realize that this was going to fall under the category of "Beauty is Pain." Inside was a mouth guard full of bleach goo that would fit Shaq's mouth, along with a light that you had to hold against your teeth for 30 min. But I was not going to be discouraged. So I did the prep work of rubbing Vitamin E all over my gums then put in the mouth guard. That thing was huge and I couldn't close my mouth over it. I then pulled out the light and...... it didn't work. So here I am with the mouth guard in and my light isn't working. Fortunately I had gotten two packages so I quickly opened Chris' and yanked the light out all panicked that those precious minutes with the guard on and no light was going to mess up my teeth some how. So I grabbed the light and hip hip hooray it worked. However, it also had a huge guard on it and now some how I was suppose to stretch open my mouth and fit this huge light in my mouth. With some force, I got it then had to wrap my lips around it and stay like that for 30 min. You've got to be kidding me!
After looking at myself in the mirror all I could picture was this.....
While looking for the light that worked I noticed my gums tingling. With in about 2 minutes they were on fire. The pain was so bad that my mind started racing through profanities which made me laugh again because then I was picturing why poor Ralphy had the soap in his mouth.
I kept thinking that I should probably take it out because i was in serious pain but my vanity and tight side took over and I kept chanting to myself "I paid $30 for this and it will be over soon and I will have beautiful teeth." So I decided to take my mind of it by cleaning the house. Oh how foolish I was. As I started to move around and pick up toys, the bleach in my moth decided to move and now my tongue was burning. I quickly stopped and sat on the couch begging the timer to go faster "baby steps 30 minutes." By the end, my jaw and lips were aching from clenching down on the mouth guard and light. Finally the timer dinged. I raced to the bathroom rinsed my mouth and looked at the damage......
I know the picture is gross, but seriously check out that damage. All the white parts are blisters. After whimpering and cursing myself for keeping those stupid trays in, I looked at the directions to see if there were any final directions I missed. The final direction said "rinse and brush thoroughly." Um, excuse me? You want me to brush my teeth with blistering and bleeding gums? What type of sick and twisted sadistic person invented this blasted kit?!?!?!?!
The next several days my gums ached but it was bearable and my teeth went up 3 shades. Yahoo! I could deal with that. It hurt but it was over and I had white teeth.....
A week later I looked in the mirror to once again be awwed by my white teeth and wouldn't you know it, they were back to their old shade. "OH FUUUUUUDGE!"
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I have so many witty comments that I don't know where to begin
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